Is this a blog or a Ghost Town?

If it seems like I’ve been a little neglectful of this blog lately, that’s because I have!

dalai-lama — Photo Credit: relatably.com

I am currently sitting in a hotel room in San Antonio, eating PBJ for dinner, and wondering how my life changed so drastically in what feels like a couple of days. In reality, it’s been months of preparation and weeks of actual hard work but here we are! My sister and I are in SA getting the last details together over the next week. She has a job interview on Monday. We picked up bus passes yesterday. It’s all really coming together. Before long, we’ll be loading the U-Haul and furnishing our terribly small apartment and loving every second of being on our own.

Yesterday, we said goodbye to my parents. As I’ve mentioned before, we don’t get along always. My history with my mother is strange and hard to manuever most days. But saying goodbye felt so final, that I was a literally mess. There was ugly sobbing all around. And it felt like a real major step forward. I know everyone says there’s never any point where you suddenly feel like an adult and to a certain extent, I agree but this kind of felt like that for me. I may have my sister still but we’re on our own. The decisions for who and what I am are entirely mine now. It’s silly, because I’m twenty-four and I’ve been an adult for a while now. But now, today, there was no one to fall back on, no one to worry about what they thought and said, no one to influence me directly. It’s almost scary.

I’m sorry if this post seems a little spastic or rambling. I just needed to get my thoughts and excitement out there. I live on my own now! Yay me!

brenda-song-london-tipton-best-character — Photo Credit: justjaredjr.com

I hope you can forgive the absence lately, now that you know all this.

Chasse’

Get Thee Behind Me, Facebook!

I recently discovered that you can, in fact, acquire clutter in your social media.

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It was with a startling feeling of loathing at the mention of Facebook that I realized that over the course of the last year, social media had become something of a chore to me. And not the fun, spring cleaning, everything is better afterward kind of chore. No I’m talking about the ones that you despise, the ones that begin to feel like the effort of them just isn’t worth the end result. Now here is where I change tactics with this allegory because unlike the kind of house and yard work that you have to push through and do anyways because it’s the right thing to do, social media is unnecessary.

I, for one, love social media. I’m an internet baby through and through. Technology is my playground and I have no desire to just throw it all out like the rubbish. I like the opportunities it provides and the accessibility of it. So instead of vowing never to return to social media, I’m just cleaning it out.

My Facebook had become something of a cesspool of negativity and narrow-mindedness. But since I use it to keep in touch with people I love that are long distance, well, it had to stay. So all of the people who were continuous sources of that negativity were the ones who went. Maybe it seems callous. But they had no consideration for my feelings when they posted what I view as hate speech so I don’t feel bad. In fact, I think removing them was the nicer option. If I hadn’t, it would have turned into numerous online arguments about various topics. (And everyone should know that I despise arguing online because I don’t think it actually changes the views of those involved. It just causes you to harbor negative feelings.) By removing them, they retain their freedom of speech and I don’t have to see the beliefs and attitudes that are, frankly, stupid in my opinion.

Twitter and Instagram were a different story. They weren’t filled with hate and negativity so much as just simply unnecessary content. So many pictures of people I didn’t know, their food, their kids, etc. Why was I following a bevy of people who I only knew in the vaguest of senses? Their lives had nothing to do with my interests and I wasn’t friends with them. It felt invasive once I stopped to think about it and I had to start removing people whose lives were absolutely none of my business.

I feel liberated, in a way. It’s kind of silly to think something like that could have so much effect on my life but it was. There was so much that hurt and frustrated me that I would find myself nauseated at the thought. And now, these are safe places for me again. Stress free places. Gossip free places. I don’t know why I haven’t done this sooner. I won’t be pushed around by the social expectation that Facebook has become. I don’t have to friend anyone that I don’t want. And the block button might just become my new favorite button.

Blocking the hate, one relative at a time…

Chasse’

P.S. Facebook is totally the devil… lol

Return of the Blogger!

Everyone look out! It’s a dead girl walking!

untitled-1 — Photo courtesy of WomenWriteAboutComics.com

Or at least, that’s what you would think if you’ve been anxiously (and then not so anxiously. And then not at all) waiting for my next blog post.

So where the heck have I been? I know, I know. The question of the hour. I can practically see you all giving me stern mom looks with your hands on your hips. It’s almost boring to say that I’ve needed some space since obviously, no one has been clamoring at my door (do blogs have doors? Should I say comment section instead?) with demands of my continued virtual existence. But my mental/emotional health has been up and down and with my living space still not having internet access, it’s just been way too hard to motivate my self to write. Again, I know it’s probably really lame of me to say that but even though this isn’t that hard to keep up and isn’t particularly demanding… I’ve just not wanted to put all my bleh on display for the few readers I do have.

BUT

In the time I’ve been AFK, I’ve made a couple of life decisions, come out to my sister, had a birthday, and dropped a religion! So hey! Big things going on in my house, right?

And in case you’re curious about any of the things I’ve just mentioned, or where I’m headed from here, then you’re in luck. I will be expounding on each of those in the next couple of posts. Except maybe the birthday thing. I turned 24. I got some books. We ate food. It was pretty chill all things considered. With this return to my audience (did I just hear crickets chirping?) comes the return of Music Rec Monday, even if I must schedule them ahead of time and let it all play out that way. I am determined to stick with it. Persistence wins the day!

Or is it something about repetition?

I’m Chasse’ and this is a new day!

P.S. How cool is iZombie? I’ve got to read the comics because the show is just fantastic.

Happiness or bust!

Well, Hello Again, blogosphere. I should have given everyone fair warning that I’d disappear for the month of December but I didn’t. That’s my bad. I knew that December, with the holidays and the many extracurricular activities as well as finals, would be a very, very busy month and I chose to take a break from blogging for my own sanity. Well, I was right. It was beyond hectic and many things happened that I both enjoyed and didn’t enjoy. I am glad that I didn’t try to keep up with blogging on top of all of that as well.

I try not to regret things in life. “Even the bad things make me stronger” is my motto. But if there ever has been a month in which I would regret, it would probably be December of 2015. I’m not sure if it’s because the realization of my abuse hit me as hard as it did, if it was failing three classes because of various reasons (all of which I claim as my fault despite what anyone else might say), or if it was just the fact that this year the holidays were weird and sullen and uncomfortable in a way I can’t ever remember in all of my life. All I can say is I’ve had a lot on my mind and a lot on my plate and zero tolerance for people that want to be selfish or rude.

So how to deal?

Good question, self! And I’ll get to the answer in just a moment. Just as soon as I figure it out, that is. Life is hard. Everyone hears it. You’ve probably heard it your whole life, in fact. But what anyone fails to tell you is that you’re not going to be able to fight your way to the top all of the time. Maybe sometimes. Maybe in certain situations. But sometimes you’re going to have to ask for a helping hand to get out of the space between a rock and a hard place.

For me, this is a lesson I’ve tried to deny its truth for years. I don’t like asking for help from anyone. I’m independent to the point of viciousness sometimes and it literally hurts me to ask for anything from anyone. I cry and I worry and I beat myself up (figuratively) over it for a very long time afterwards. I hate it with a passion. But try as much as you want, there are some things you just cannot do by yourself. Much introspection has led me to realize that I don’t like who I am. I don’t like that I’d let myself be changed and formed and reacted to the things that have happened to me. As much as I hate to admit it, the things that have been done to me, that have happened to me, have affected who I am. And the person I see in the mirror is one I don’t want to be.

Change is the theme for 2016 in my household, but I’m going to have to ask for help to get out of this murky, nasty atmosphere I’m in. I can’t do this all on my own. I can’t sit here being this person anymore. I refuse to be a tool or a plaything. I refuse to be used anymore. But I have a hard time standing up for myself. I have a hard time resisting the urge to give in, even when it’s blatantly obvious that I’m being emotionally blackmailed into something. I don’t like feeling like a cold and uncaring person but it’s toxic to always be a yes-man when the people asking the questions don’t care for your wellbeing even a little bit.

2016 is the year of me. It’s the year that I take back my identity and my self-worth. And if I have to ask certain people for help, ones that I know have my best interest at heart, then so be it. But I won’t sit in the muck refusing the hand that is held out to help me up. Not anymore.

Look for more of my winding thoughts, lovelies.

Chasse’

Happy Thanksgiving!

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From my family to yours!

Chasse’

Simple Truths on Humanity: Thoughts in a Math Class

Mr. O’Neal said something today that struck me as incredibly deep, even though he didn’t mean it that way at all. We were talking about dimensions and some of the students were having a hard time realizing that 8’x4′ is the same as 4’x8′. It’s a fairly simple concept but there were issues so, of course, Mr. O’Neal found a real life situation to tie it to (buying plywood at the hardwood store) and it made sense. A simple yet appropriate solution, as always.

In this explanation, however, he made a statement that left me distracted and contemplative. “It’s the same thing. It’s just a matter of orientation.”

Wow.

When you think of it in terms of math or carpentry, just a matter of fact. But if you applied the same concept to sexuality…

I’m constantly awed at the way a lot of society treats the LGBTQA community and not in a good way. I don’t have to expound for you to know exactly what kind of discrimination, prejudice, and even hate crimes that are committed against our brothers and sisters. And they are our brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and friends and loved ones. We all know someone that is of an orientation other than heterosexual, even if we’re not aware of it. These people are just trying to live their life and be happy and love the ones they love. For whatever reason, they’re treated as subpar. Not even human in some cases.

This kind of behavior is unacceptable. It’s our duty as humanity to lift up and encourage each other, to build a better, more peaceful world. Treating someone as less than yourself (whether it’s race, gender, religion, sexuality, age, ability, etc.) is not only wrong, but the very opposite of what it means to be humankind. What makes humans different than the rest of the animal kingdom?

Intelligence. But also compassion. The ability to fight our “me first” instincts for others.

If you’re not trying to help others, be a bright light in the darkness, then I would argue that you’re not really living as a human being yourself.

Truthfully, we’re all different. Embracing those differences, rather than fighting them or ignoring them, is the only way to end the hate of the world. Celebrate the uniqueness. Celebrate each other. Celebrate yourself! But don’t do it at the pain of others. Belittling someone is to belittle yourself.

In the end, it really is the same thing. It’s humanity. It’s love. It’s just a matter of orientation.

Chasse’

Rush, rush, rush

Guess who missed a post? Again?
Well if you guessed this girl, you’d be right. Yesterday, everything was crazy hectic with me driving (well technically my sister drove) three towns over to try and beat the clock only to get there and realize the school closed at 430 instead of 8. Then I had to get my phone fixed(new phone woot!), do some grocery shopping, and drive all the way home. I didn’t get back until really late and it completely slipped my mind. So, my apologies to those of you expecting daily insight into my head. I will continue posting!

Farewell my lovelies.

Chasse’

Thanks and Goodnight

I’ve had a pretty eventful day and it’s left me down to the wire for a post. The subject I had planned for tonight will have to wait until I have a bit more time to really hit it the way I want to. Tonight, I’d really just like to thank everyone that’s followed or liked my posts this month. (Or before!) You’re all fabulous and I’ve enjoyed each and every one of you. Halfway mark for NaBloPoMo and honestly, I didn’t think I’d make it this far. It’s because of you guys and your encouragement. So if there’s something in particular you enjoyed and want some more of or something you’d like to see from me for the first time, please, let me know.

Sleep tight, my lovelies. For once, this insomniac is ready to hit the hay.

Chasse’

Studies Show Chasse’ Has Little To Talk About

Mobile posting might be the death of me. On the one hand, it’s super helpful with keeping up with my daily posting. On the other hand, I hate formatting this way and it’s difficult to write anything with a substantial length. Also, mobile research sucks.

That being said, I’m eating Snickerdoodle ice cream and watching the last couple episodes of Gilligan’s Island. I want to talk about that melancholy feeling when you end a series but without looking it up, I’m afraid my content is going to be pretty lacking. I know there’s a word for it specifically but I can’t remember what it is. I just know that my heart aches, at the end of a good show or book series, for the friends I’ve lost. At least temporarily since you can always start over from the beginning with a sense of familiarity that was missing the first time around. But for that first while, it’ll literally cause grief for me. I’ve mourned so many characters that didn’t even die in their respective worlds. Literal tears have been shed for some of them.

One series that I remember hurting the most was A Great And Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray. I sobbed and sobbed, though I do feel like there was good reason for that one. I won’t spoil it for you all. The more recent one was the tv show Leverage. I didn’t start it until it had already concluded but I was miserable for the longest.

Is there any show or book series or something of the sort that affected you this way? I’d love to hear about it!

Keep your tissues handy!

Chasse’